Get to Know your News Team

Chad Hornsteam

[Lead Anchor]

Chadrick Emanuel Hornsteam Graduated from Slough polytechnic with an ASBO in hairdressing in 1948. After a career as a lap-dancer in the military Chad turned his attention to news journalism. He joined the SU Tube News team in 1994 after a joyful bout of emotional blackmail involving the producer and his pregnant teenage daughter. Chad describes himself as shy and retiring and denies all charges.

Savoury Pancakes [Co-Anchor]

Savoury ‘Deathstare’ Pancakes started her early life as wrestler. She turned professional at the age of six and is reknowned for being one of the only people Hulk Hogan has ever feared. Retiring from wrestling after defeating every possible opposition in 2003 Savory turned to reporting and since joining the SU Tube team has registered no less than six sexual harassment complaints  against Chad, although all of the charges have been mysteriously dropped. Savoury has an enormous fanclub -most of the members originating from the arctic circle.

Tallulah Fluffles

[Sports Reporter]

Tallulah Habidashiry  Fluffles [a former Massey Ferguson tractor] has played every sport known to man as part of her training – Admittedly her only tactic is to run at people [resulting in her ban from Surrey Snooker Hall]. Tallulah has been abducted by aliens on thirteen separate occasions, but her only complaint is that they have never heard of vaseline.

Sunny Daze [Weather]

When we found Sunny she was frightened, shy and afraid of heights. Thanks to the love and nurture provided by the team she has once again got  a wet nose and a glossy coat. Sunny’s dedication to the weather is only rivaled by Nigel Mansel. When Sunny isn’t running after clouds she spends her time racing slinkies and drawing pictures of microwaves.  When asked about her ambitions Sunny simply replies ‘fishfingers’.

Liquorice Johnson

[Chief Editor]

After 20 years in Jail, Liquorice ‘The Knife’ Johnson has made a fully successful rehabilitation. Life on the outside includes eating biscuits and walking her pet brick – Steve. Liquorice discovered editing after a particularly exciting night out when she realised she was a bit like God. As an editor she controls exactly what people say and can quite often be heard laughing uncontrollably from her office.

Missionary Andrex

[Cameraman]

Missionary Automatic Andrex -a fomer SAS mess canteen- will pretty much film anything. In 1995 he spent 7 months filming a bake beans tin – believing that beans communicate very slowly… He was unfortunately wrong. Missionary was recruited to the SU Tube News team after it became quite apparent that he had no concept of money, therefore since 1993 he has been paid a grand total of one pickled beet-root, for which he is very grateful.

Lingerie Rimmer

[Work Experience]

Although she was only here for 3 days, Lingerie made quite the impression on the team. She stole the photo copier, threw an office party and had an affair with Chad. Whilst being clinically retarded Lingerie is currently reading Paint Drying studies in a swamp near Carmarthen. Lingerie has four seperate personalities all which have homosexual tendancies.

if you want more information or want to get involved email us at:

uwsmediasociety@hotmail.co.uk